Have you ever stopped and looked back at your life? Do you ever just think about everything that has happened and how you got to where you are? I've been thinking about it a lot lately and all I see, at this particular moment in time, are the mistakes. A lot of mistakes and horrible decisions.
I feel like the majority of my life has been a long string of bad decisions, missteps, and misjudgments. There has been a lot of good, of course, but looking back, right now, the bad is outweighing the good. I just see a disaster.
I wish I could go back and choose differently. Do differently. Be different.
Don't get me wrong, I try to be a good person and do the rights things with good morals. However, I do hold grudges and I do have a mean streak like no other, but I am a big softy...for the most part. Though if you do me wrong (or my kids) or really piss me off, you will be dead to me. I have been trying to rein in my mouthiness, but sometimes I just can't hold back.
But as for myself, I just keep fucking shit up left and right.
How have I gotten to 51 years old and never truly been happy for any length of time? Never truly been content? Never truly been in love with someone who was in love with me at the same time? Never really successful at anything?
I look back and I see all the dumb life decisions and wonder why...how I wasted my life. What a shit show.
I've failed. I've failed as a student. I've failed as a mother. I've failed as a daughter. I've failed as a wife. I've failed as a girlfriend. I've failed in love. I've failed as a friend. I've failed in my career. I've failed in life.
Each day I get up and go through the motions to get to the next good moment. Some days are worse than others (today) and some days are okay. Some days it just takes someone to ask me how I'm doing for me to shatter into a million pieces and some days it takes the littlest comment or joke to make my day.
I will get through this.
I'm okay.
I will be okay.
~J
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